* * *

This night, I took out a test I took yesterday evening, and there it was, hours later, a faint second line. I know that these tests are useless after a certain amount of time, but despite all reason, my stupid heart soared. I did not even notice how hope crept in. It stayed there even despite a negative morning test - until noon, when the cramping started and my AF arrived.  

I do not know how people do it. How do they live, day after day, cycle after cycle. How do they deal with all this - pain, despair, hopelessness, disappointment. I certainly cannot. If I did not have a kid already, I would have gone and done crazy things - and now I just cry. A glass of wine did not help, and I cannot have more just yet. My thoughts go round and round in circles: what if there's not ovarian reserve left anymore? What if my fall pregnancy (and Halloween miscarriage) was my last, my very last chance? What if there's no point of even trying anymore? This Sunday I am going to do a FSH test (they did AMH last year and did not do this one, but now I requested it), and then I guess I'll have to see my RE and talk to her. Except she does not talk to me, not really. She lectures (in person) and she yells (in emails). And our insurance does not give me much choice.

Two years. We had been at it two years next month, and it fucking hurts nonstop.