Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Holiday spirit

I cried myself to sleep the day before yesterday.
And I cried all day yesterday.
And I am crying now.
There was something weird going on over the weekend, so I requested an ultrasound - they repeat it every 6 months and was almost due for another one anyway. So now my ob/gyn wants me to have a surgery in January, to remove endometrioma that grew a bit too big and had almost taken over one of my ovaries. The good news is they would also check for endometriosis and remove it if it's there. The bad news is that doing all this shit with my ovary might leave me with no ovarian reserve to speak of. So yeah, I might end up with a nice clean uterus and nothing to put in. The good news is that the other ovary looks pretty good. Nobody knows, of course. But all this puts us out of baby-making business for another two months, at least.
So when I saw a woman complaining online that she's not having much fun this holiday season because she has a kid and she is heavily pregnant, I saw red. She doesn't even know how incredibly lucky she is.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Bad, bad person

I didn't even ask my pregnant friend how she is feeling, and basically didn't talk to her much. Now I feel like a horrible human being and a lousy friend. Apparently (she mentioned this in her blog, never told us directly) she's having some issues with her pregnancy and is being monitored by doctors pretty closely. It has to be nerve-wrecking, and I feel bad for her. I also feel my so-called self-preservation is making me - well, not myself. This is not a real me, this is not how I normally behave. This is all wrong. 

Monday, December 1, 2014

AF

Okay so there was no miracle. Despite my ob/gyn advice to wait one cycle, we did it without protection once - on a particularly grim day, when nothing looked good anymore. We did not plan anything, but then part of me started hoping that maybe this would be the miracle - you know, despite everything. So in 10+ days after, I tested. I tested every day, to be honest, and every day I decided that no, no more testing, let it be. And then I tested again. 
My period started, and it hit me hard. Not the period per se, but the fact that there was no freaking miracle and no July baby for us next year. And of course I was so convinced I have symptoms - I should know better by now. I was crying in Crate and Barrel because a year ago after another horrible November I was buying Christmas decorations there. I bought a little wooden doll family, and in defiance I bought four dolls. Mom, Dad, daughter and a baby. A baby. A year passed, we are at the same spot, just older and more hopeless.
The weekend ahead presents a challenge of sorts. A big playdate with many of kiddo's and our friends. One of them is expecting her 2nd and is irritating the hell out of me just because - because she got what I wanted, when I couldn't have it. Here I said it. I am a bad bad bad person.
And then a birthday party. For a 1-year-old. His mom (our kids are preschool friends) got pregnant a month before I did with my first loss. She told us basically the second after she saw two lines on a pregnancy test. Then I went on to have two miscarriages, and she went on to have her baby. Then I had two chemical pregnancies, and her baby is now one, and my kid still has no siblings. I don't want to go. I don't. I feel like I need to burrow deep into the blankets until - I don't know if this would ever be easier.