Breathe

Today was one of those days... everything was seemingly fine, but I had to remind myself to breathe. Breathe, breathe, just try to get through it. No miracles, just you and your body. Please breathe.
Other random stuff:
1. Somewhere on the net there was a discussion of how do women announce their pregnancies, and it just broke my heart again. Just imagine the innocence of all these people, who assume their two lines would eventually lead to an actual baby. I so wish I still had it.
2. Another friend, whom I haven't seen in a loooong time, turned out to be expecting, due in a month. I must be developing a sixth sense where the pregnancies are concerned: I've seen her husband on a party in the beginning of October, and when I asked about her, he said that she was home sick. His smirk was somewhat incongruous, so I suspected she was not sick as in sick, but sick as in morning sickness sick. And it turns out I was right. Oh well.
3. We are a backup childcare support for another friend in case she has to have her baby earlier. The irony of it.
4. I am just not good in waiting. Now I wait until I recover from surgery completely, get my period, and start peeing on sticks and have baby-dance. Just doing something, anything, to get another chance.
5. I emailed the Dr. of a "crappy uterus" theory to update him on the surgery results. I asked him if any changes in my supplement protocol are in order. He never emailed me back. I realize he is busy but I cannot help but think he is just not interested, not having received any support for his original theory. And this is so disappointing - two of my friends recommended him as the best doctor they'd ever had. Guess I wasn't so lucky. Again.
Meanwhile, I am slowly reintroducing some of the supplements back again. However, I am not that keen anymore. Yesterday, I took konjak root (fiber), and now I finally know which one of my medications gave me the horrible gassiness all the way. This is one supplement I do not really want to take anymore.
I also Googled "supplements to improve egg quality". Some of these sound downright nasty, so I have to think which ones I am willing to tolerate, especially since there is no medical professional to guide me through the process.

Today

So the results are back, and they're good. My uterus is completely healthy and there's no indication of any problems whatsoever. So, does this mean I just have crappy eggs? That my luck just ran out? Yes, we did buy a Powerball ticket yesterday, and we did not get a single number right.

Oh, and our friends are expecting a baby. Their fourth. Two boys, two girls. I wish them luck, they are a wonderful family. But I am still in tears.

Surgery

So, my surgery was yesterday. It was a stressful week: what with a sick kid at home, me listening intently to every little nerve in my body and with us trying to sanitize the hell out of everything so I wouldn't end up sick too - which would have had cancelled the surgery, and frankly the thought of waiting another two months was unbearable.
Still, the day came, and there I was. I started crying when they started poking needles and inserting IV's and such - just out of sheer helplessness and the sad familiarity of this situation. In 2008, I've been in the same hospital, having to do pretty much the same surgery instead of getting pregnant and having a baby, as we planned. That fall was one of the darkest moments of my life, but then we got lucky. We got our baby, and now we want to give her a sibling - and look where I am, again.
The doctor didn't come to talk to me after I came out of anesthesia - the nurses told me she's going to call me today, but she did not, it being Saturday. She did call my husband after my surgery ended, though. Basically she told him that everything went smoothly, that there was nothing unexpected to be found, that she found "a bit of" endometriosis, but not much, and treated it, and that my tubes are clear. She took out the endometrioma, and "also something from the left side". The latter makes me uneasy. We did not discuss what to do if there is some other cyst on my other ovary. My ovaries tend to form cysts, most of them disappear within one or two cycles. Why would she take away some harmless cyst and thereby decrease my precious ovarian tissue even more? Why would she do that, especially since we did talk in detail about how worried I am about the ovarian reserve?! Was it something else, or is it just a reflection on how surgeons think - "let's cut out everything extra" - as opposed to normal people? I need to talk to her about it, but I feel quite aggravated now, when I think about it.
I am also childishly disappointed in this whole lack of answers. For some reason, I thought that she would find a lot of endometriosis there, which would have explained fertility issues, spotting between periods, weird sensations and basically all the symptoms in this particular area. Since it wasn't the case, and since nothing she found there looks like it could be the culprit, we are back to square one. Try, try again.
Once the results of all tests come back, I am going to start on the vitamins, supplements, and Doxycycline again, and if everything goes well, we will start trying next cycle. Hitting the same wall again, expecting different results - now this is what passes for sanity in our household...