Monday, January 26, 2015

Thumbelina

In the shower today, for some reason I thought about Thumbelina, a tiny girl from a fairytale. It occurred to me that this is sort of a miscarriage parable: there was a woman who wanted kids and couldn't have them. And then she got this little seed, and the girl who was born as a result was ever so tiny... So basically, in my warped mind, it goes like this: a miscarriage happened, and the baby was carried away by water, and the whole story is just a dream... that's why Thumbelina never returned to her mom.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Surgery consultation

So last week, we went for a consultation with a Dr. who's going to do my surgery in two weeks. Surprisingly, she talked mostly about things she would be doing to enhance my fertility: endometriosis removed, hysteroscopy done, tubes checked and flashed out (they did not get to tubes during HSG, since I freaked them out by freaking out basically), etc. She told us that she has 5 kids - and had 8 miscarriages ("and maybe more", she added, since there were probably some undetected chemical pregnancies). She was competent and reassuring, and I almost started to hope that maybe, maybe this would help. Then I remember my crappy AMH - and it was a year ago - and my age and all that - and also the fact that I still have to get through the actual surgery. I had two cystectomies before, and this is not much fun... and I don't even want to think about the whole "bowel preparation" protocol beforehand. And now we just have one bathroom. Oh joy.
I am also scared about having my kid here, witnessing the painful recovery process. We don't have family close by, and while the daytimes are covered with her preschool, she would still be home for the weekend right after the surgery, the hardest time.

Monday, January 19, 2015

A year

Today marks a year since the due date for a - what word should I use here? baby? embryo? product of conception? - which became my first miscarriage. Last year my cousin gave birth to her kid on this very day, too, and I was crying and thought my heart was breaking again. Little did I know. I went on to have more miscarriages, and now it's all on hold; I em expecting my surgery, and I am not sure I would be able to even get pregnant anymore after that. Sometimes I feel like a freaking Ancient Mariner with all this history piling up on my chest, and with this overwhelming urge to come to every FB entry of moms of two and more who complain about their hectic schedule and sleepless nights, and tell them how lucky they are. I have managed to keep myself from doing it, so far. I certainly need to get a life. Some other kind of life that doesn't involve online... or babies, or playgrounds, or baby stuff in our garage. An adult, post-fertile kind of life. I typed this, and then I remembered a 7-months pregnant woman sitting down next to me in sushi bar. Of all places.
I just need to somehow let it go, let go of all these - babies? embryos? products of conception? - and my dreams for them. Let it go, there's life to live and a kid to love and take care of, and a husband to love, and parents to email and call and Skype with, and all kinds of relatives I need to keep in the loop of my and my kid's life if I want her to have relationships with them. I just feel so painfully unable to reach out. Sometimes I feel I have nothing to say to any of them.