Holiday spirit

I cried myself to sleep the day before yesterday.
And I cried all day yesterday.
And I am crying now.
There was something weird going on over the weekend, so I requested an ultrasound - they repeat it every 6 months and was almost due for another one anyway. So now my ob/gyn wants me to have a surgery in January, to remove endometrioma that grew a bit too big and had almost taken over one of my ovaries. The good news is they would also check for endometriosis and remove it if it's there. The bad news is that doing all this shit with my ovary might leave me with no ovarian reserve to speak of. So yeah, I might end up with a nice clean uterus and nothing to put in. The good news is that the other ovary looks pretty good. Nobody knows, of course. But all this puts us out of baby-making business for another two months, at least.
So when I saw a woman complaining online that she's not having much fun this holiday season because she has a kid and she is heavily pregnant, I saw red. She doesn't even know how incredibly lucky she is.

Bad, bad person

I didn't even ask my pregnant friend how she is feeling, and basically didn't talk to her much. Now I feel like a horrible human being and a lousy friend. Apparently (she mentioned this in her blog, never told us directly) she's having some issues with her pregnancy and is being monitored by doctors pretty closely. It has to be nerve-wrecking, and I feel bad for her. I also feel my so-called self-preservation is making me - well, not myself. This is not a real me, this is not how I normally behave. This is all wrong. 

AF

Okay so there was no miracle. Despite my ob/gyn advice to wait one cycle, we did it without protection once - on a particularly grim day, when nothing looked good anymore. We did not plan anything, but then part of me started hoping that maybe this would be the miracle - you know, despite everything. So in 10+ days after, I tested. I tested every day, to be honest, and every day I decided that no, no more testing, let it be. And then I tested again. 

My period started, and it hit me hard. Not the period per se, but the fact that there was no freaking miracle and no July baby for us next year. And of course I was so convinced I have symptoms - I should know better by now. I was crying in Crate and Barrel because a year ago after another horrible November I was buying Christmas decorations there. I bought a little wooden doll family, and in defiance I bought four dolls. Mom, Dad, daughter and a baby. A baby. A year passed, we are at the same spot, just older and more hopeless.

The weekend ahead presents a challenge of sorts. A big playdate with many of kiddo's and our friends. One of them is expecting her 2nd and is irritating the hell out of me just because - because she got what I wanted, when I couldn't have it. Here I said it. I am a bad bad bad person.

And then a birthday party. For a 1-year-old. His mom (our kids are preschool friends) got pregnant a month before I did with my first loss. She told us basically the second after she saw two lines on a pregnancy test. Then I went on to have two miscarriages, and she went on to have her baby. Then I had two chemical pregnancies, and her baby is now one, and my kid still has no siblings. I don't want to go. I don't. I feel like I need to burrow deep into the blankets until - I don't know if this would ever be easier.

Endometriosis

So I emailed my regular ob/gyn (not really in the mood of talking to my RE anymore) re:endometriosis as a possible cause.

She thinks it might be the case.

This just threw me over.

I remember asking her and my RE if endometrioma on my ovary could be the reason for my miscarriages. They all said no it isn't. No one of them fucking elaborated re: endometriosis, which apparently is a given since I have endometrioma as well. No one ever told me that. Until now. I cried and I feel like I was deliberately left to hit the wall for a year for nothing. A fucking year. I cried and kept telling my husband that I COULD HAVE HAD OUR SECOND BABY ALREADY. If only these stupid cows thought a bit more. This is so unfair and so hard. Of course then I Googled and apparently the connection is kinda wonky, and of course the second-opinion-can't-say-anything-against-party-line RE guy emailed me to say that it's not supported by the fucking association of the reproductive assholes or whatever its name is... but it just feels that if I had this surgery a year ago I could have been in a different place right now. Of course truth is that Dr. is not pushing for surgery just yet. And even if he was it would be problematic since we might not have money for it, and our insurance wouldn't cover it, again.

I am also expecting my period and this makes me incredibly sad for so many reasons.

Introduction

It feels a bit like throwing a bottle into the ocean, but anyway.

I am 39. I am a mother to a wonderful girl who just turned four. Last year, we decided our kid needs a sibling - to help her deal with parents when they get old and crazy, and anyway, we always wanted at least two kids and a loud, crazy, chaotic house. And that's where it all started.

May 2013: Got pregnant on our first try, went for an ultrasound, and there was an empty sack, too small for 6th week. Missed miscarriage. I was shocked beyond belief. I didn't think things like this could happen to me. I carried an ultrasound picture, the one with an empty sack, with me for months. I don't know why they gave it to me.

September 2013: Got pregnant on our second try, while on vacation. I always wanted to conceive on vacation. I was so hopeful that I even took a picture of the house where it happened, just in case. I was pregnant long enough to get to prenatal appointment, where a well-meaning but inept nurse practitioner told us there was a heartbeat. I wasn't convinced. I remembered how it looked during my first and only successful pregnancy - so much more pronounced and clear. But I made myself believe her, and I received yet another ultrasound picture.

Then I had spotting and came for another ultrasound. The baby was no more.

This miscarriage was longer, two and a half month of hell. This time it wasn't shock, it was despair: I thought before that my first miscarriage was a glitch. Not anymore.

February 2014: Went to see RE, who ran a panel of tests and concluded that I need to take thyroid medications and receive progesterone when get pregnant. Have to say - I hated thyroid medications. I used to be a reasonably healthy person and never before had to take pills every day.

April 2014: Pregnant again, for the whole of two weeks. Endometrin (hated it) and regular beta checks, all the way trying not to get too attached. (I failed). HCG started going down pretty soon, and I never got to even have an ultrasound. RE's explanation of what happened, basically: you are old and your eggs are crap.

June 2014: Went for a second opinion to a well-respected Dr. His conclusion: the reason for what had happened is immune, we need to fight inflammation in my uterus (translation: it's not my eggs, it's my uterus that's crap). He prescribed a ton of anti-inflammatory supplements and Doxycycline for three month, and then try to get pregnant again. These were long three month. I struggled with drugs schedule for a while, but got a hand of it eventually.

October 2014: Got green light to start trying, and progesterone after ovulation. Got implantation bleeding, had positive pregnancy test and betas of 24 - just to discover in two days that it's another no-go and HCG is not rising properly. My personal record two-day pregnancy. I told myself quite firmly that it's better that way, cut your losses early and all that.

Yeah, right.

I was incredibly angry.

I soon found myself crying hysterically in a shower and yelling "I can't do this anymore!"

I do realize we are so incredibly lucky. We have a child, who makes every day a better day. But still.

Every time my kid talks to me about how she wants "a real sibling".

Every time she plays with a doll and calls it her sister.

Every time I see a pregnant woman with a kid.

Every time I think how we always wanted two kids.

It hurts so much, but I cannot stop trying yet.

November 2014: We went to our docs again. RE is pushing for IVF with genetic screening (remember, crappy eggs). I don't want to do this. It's invasive, expensive, may endanger my health (I have a bit of a history) and the success percentages are about the same as my chances to successfully conceive and carry to term on my own.

The other Dr. insists my eggs are not the issue (remember, crappy uterus). He thinks we have to deal with inflammation, and suggests we send a few tests to a lab in Chicago and go from there - either continue with current protocol, or have more serious drugs, or have a surgery for endometriosis. Our current insurance covers my RE (though it wouldn't cover IVF) and doesn't cover the other Dr. and any of his suggested options - and since the RE is, to put it mildly, not very keen on the whole "inflammation" theory, we are on our own.