AF

Okay so there was no miracle. Despite my ob/gyn advice to wait one cycle, we did it without protection once - on a particularly grim day, when nothing looked good anymore. We did not plan anything, but then part of me started hoping that maybe this would be the miracle - you know, despite everything. So in 10+ days after, I tested. I tested every day, to be honest, and every day I decided that no, no more testing, let it be. And then I tested again. 

My period started, and it hit me hard. Not the period per se, but the fact that there was no freaking miracle and no July baby for us next year. And of course I was so convinced I have symptoms - I should know better by now. I was crying in Crate and Barrel because a year ago after another horrible November I was buying Christmas decorations there. I bought a little wooden doll family, and in defiance I bought four dolls. Mom, Dad, daughter and a baby. A baby. A year passed, we are at the same spot, just older and more hopeless.

The weekend ahead presents a challenge of sorts. A big playdate with many of kiddo's and our friends. One of them is expecting her 2nd and is irritating the hell out of me just because - because she got what I wanted, when I couldn't have it. Here I said it. I am a bad bad bad person.

And then a birthday party. For a 1-year-old. His mom (our kids are preschool friends) got pregnant a month before I did with my first loss. She told us basically the second after she saw two lines on a pregnancy test. Then I went on to have two miscarriages, and she went on to have her baby. Then I had two chemical pregnancies, and her baby is now one, and my kid still has no siblings. I don't want to go. I don't. I feel like I need to burrow deep into the blankets until - I don't know if this would ever be easier.