Feeling so down

I've been feeling incredibly down for the last few days. I've been testing every morning over the weekend, and the test line was getting paler and paler - until, on Monday, it wasn't visible anymore. I went for betas and spent an hour in a crowded lab waiting for my turn, thinking that I really didn't need to be there, since I already knew the answer. I haven't had breakfast, and might have been looking so miserable, that the technician offered me juice. This never ever happened before. Then she took a needle out too early and had to reinsert it, and I couldn't contain my tears.
The result was 2. My bitch RE didn't even say "I am sorry" (my OB/GYN, on the other hand, emailed me specifically to offer her sympathy). The other Dr. was uncharacteristically grim when I emailed him the news, and suggested we come and see him "sometime". His stupid office scheduled this "sometime" for August, and marked it as a "new infertility appointment". I am going to call to yell at them one of these days.
So, here's what I am dealing with now:
- I am feeling hopeless and helpless and desperate, because, once again, my chance to have a second child has evaporated. The bleeding came on Wednesday, and brought a new wave of grief and frustration.
- I am feeling sad re: death of my MIL, and having thoughts about the inevitability of this horrible end for people I love... everyone of us was someone's beloved baby, kissed and caressed and carried in arms, being read to and cooked for, and then fast forward - and there's no one to do this anymore; and then, this horror, and pain, and suffering, and then a cremation and a void.
- I am feeling alternately the immense comfort of my parents being here with me during this difficult time, and the poignancy of them getting older, frailer, and sadder. I am feeling guilty for not being able to cheer them up, and my heart breaks when I think that they would be leaving soon, and I don't know when I am going to see them again.
- My husband would be out of town for another week, and I miss him. Part of this time we would be alone with a kid, and this is going to be the hardest time - with all my grief and all bottled up tears.
- I am feeling like time just seeps through; my kid is having a graduation party this week, and this wonderfully safe cocoon her preschool provided would not be available anymore. With everything we've been going through the last two years she attended this place, it slowly became, in my mind, the embodiment of safety, the only constant place in her life. More constant than even her home, and safe from its pervasive sadness.
- I am feeling a horrible anxiety due to some health concerns; in the next couple of weeks I will have to face them and schedule some appointments. I am just so scared. I think somewhere in my heart of hearts I have this crazy idea that being pregnant is a miracle shield that keeps all the health issues at bay. I know it's not the case, of course, I am not stupid. It's just that I don't want to be thinking about tests and doctors if they are not related to be being pregnant - but I have to, and this makes me cry.
...And then I was folding the small girl clothes, new with tags, that someone in our household didn't get around to wearing. I was folding them to send to her younger cousin, and my heart was breaking again. It wasn't supposed to happen this way.

Left behind

Have you ever had this feeling that everyone in your circle is moving forward - except for you? Of course you applaud your friends' successes, but then you come home and stare at the walls and ask yourself - but what about me?
I've been having that a lot recently. We have few couples friends that had their struggles with infertility - well, now they have the requisite two kids, they moved on. They have great jobs, they bought houses, they enrolled their kids in private schools... they are moving forward with their lives, they are shaping their lives the way they want them. And here we are, stuck in limbo - procreational, financial, emotional. The plan was to send the kid to preschool, have a second one, stay at home for 2-2.5 years, and then off to the workplace. Tell the Universe about your plans, make her laugh.
We've been discussing all this with my friend, who had a totally different dilemma in her life, but her limbo feeling was just the same as mine. Well, today she crossed over to the other side, so to speak - her problem had resolved to her and her family's great satisfaction. I am glad for her, I truly am. But there's a tiny voice in my head - but what about me? We were in the same boat, and now we are not, and there's no one left to commiserate with.
And since I am on the subject of friends, here's a story. There was a friend once, who, when I got successfully pregnant 6 years ago, was also really, really, really wanting a baby. I presented her with what was left from my supplies - ovulation strips, unopened PreSeed, etc. - and wished her good luck. She got pregnant soon afterwards, and told me that my gift gave her the luck indeed. Recently, she had her second baby (thus realizing my dream scenario, see above). She has her own stash of supplies left. Guess what - she never even offered them to me. She offers to sell them on some online board, spinning some yarn re: them being lucky... I don't care about $10 worth of strips, but could have used some luck, former friend.

Not crazy, just tired

Recently I started to wonder how do people, as they use to write in some novels, "cry themselves to sleep". Turns out I cannot do this (this and having a second baby, apparently). I cry while lying down, my nose gets all stuffy, which makes it impossible to breathe... so I don't get any sleep for a long, long while.

Since our second cycle since my surgery did not give us any positive result, my Dr. of "crappy uterus" theory suggested to try Lethrozole, and I am having a scan tomorrow to ensure there are no cysts on my ovaries. A scan on my heaviest bleeding day, sounds like fun, right? But anyway, good luck to me, my ovaries make cysts too often for my taste. 

Also, next week I am seeing the Dr. himself to discuss stuff, and then I am seeing my RE to listen whatever she has to say, and to try not to burn any bridges (I mean, this woman DID NOT TO SHIT for me, and I had to request most of my tests, while she could have done them a year ago and save me some heartbreak... and of course she does not believe in basically any form of treatment I've been reading about - except IVF of course). I am also making an appointment with an acupuncturist, though I am scared shitless of what needles can do to me.

I thought the arrival of AF will leave me crazy - throwing the dishes and cutting my hands crazy. Nothing of the sort had happened. I am just tired and don't really want to come out of my room, or have dinner. Just want to be left alone for a while.

And here is the TWW again

So, I am in the middle of another TWW, and I am slowly going crazy. Last time there were lots of distractions to take my mind off things, but now there are none - and predictably enough I've been having it all. Seriously. Back pain, pulling sensations in lower abdomen, breast pains and fullness... until it all just stopped today, and I am, of course, freaking out because it stopped. I already had my share of peeing on sticks, all negative, of course, and ordered a new bunch of Wondfo finest. I talked my RE into checking my 7dpo progesterone levels, and they came out surprisingly good - even "great", as my RE said in her email, which is very uncharacteristic of her (she's of doom and gloom, remember). 

I also had a talk with a friend, who, at 44, decided to give her kid a sibling and went for fertility check-up before starting in earnest. Her AMH is almost the same as mine, so it looks like I've got my Best Fertility Friend (or maybe not). Her Dr. did not check FSH, just prescribed her some Clomid and wished best of luck. I am sooo going to make an appointment with her Dr. and have a third opinion, just because.

The business with Best Fertility Friend is very confusing, still. First, it's not that easy for me to share too much personal information (blogging is different, isn't it?). Second, it's a precarious position to find yourself once one of BFFs gets pregnant... I personally am not sure I would be able to maintain contact if she gets pregnant and I don't. It's just too hard, and when we were talking and discussing AMH, Clomid, CoQ10 and such, I couldn't help but see it, this writing on the wall. Oh well. Please, please, dear Universe, let me have another baby, and let her have another one, too - so we can continue being friends. I've lost too many friends to this RPL shit already.

National Sibling Day

According to my Facebook feed, today is the National Sibling Day - another one of these days that are designed to break hearts of those who feel left out. Everyone, of course, is posting pictures of their kids together - brothers, sisters, looking at each other, holding hands, hugging, squabbling. I wish with all my heart and soul that next year, and years and years and decades and decades after that, my kid would have someone to share and celebrate this day with.

The tale of two doctors

The Dr. from out of network emailed me today - it's been more than a month since I've contacted him, but I am still glad he finally found time. I relayed the whole sorry story again, with the updates - my follicle count is at 6, as it happens - and he told me that he's going to update my supplements protocol, and also to give me some fertility medications to help me get pregnant sooner. He gives out an impression of such optimism and hope, that it's hard not to get caught in it. My spirits have certainly lifted somewhat, though I know how dangerous is to allow myself to hope.

This encounter made me think of how weird the whole scenario is. I have two doctors looking at the same patient with the same panel of tests. One is projecting doom and gloom and is probably going to push me hard into IVF (with donor eggs, I think). The other is - well, not exactly all unicorns and rainbows - but hopeful and wanting to make it work more or less with a natural cycle. And despite his communication flaws, I am under the impression that he actually works with me, instead of trying to fit me into some preconceived plan.

Coincidentally, yesterday I was trying to figure out if we need to go to some other Dr., to get the third opinion, just, you know, for variety. But I don't know where to turn. Most clinics in our area are specializing in IVF. There are two huge research institutions around with infertility programs, but their internet reviews are bad enough for me to not want to go there (I already have a Dr. with horrible attitude and IVF-pushing, thank you very much - and she's at least partially covered by my insurance). So I need to do more research - and to finally finish "It starts with an egg" (so depressing, makes me want to switch to some other read).

Just say NO to Philip Galanes' advice

Normally, I enjoy reading New York Times "Social Qs" column, but today it left me furious. A lady who'd apparently been struggling with infertility and finally got pregnant is asking how to break her good news. (I wonder who on earth, after going through the ordeal of infertility, does not know how NOT to handle this, but whatever). The advice Philip Galanes gives her? Priceless. "Share your intimate news intimately. Tell pals one on one, especially those you suspect may be struggling with fertility issues." So basically, the poor unsuspecting victim of the good news has nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, and has to put on a brave face and offer heartfelt congratulations? I don't think so. Give another person a space to process the news, give her a chance to cry in private, and then to congratulate you. Via email, again. Please. Don't do it face to face, ever. And if Mr. Galanes took time to look up hundreds of infertility blogs, he wouldn't have given such a cruel advice.

Just another day

In June 2013, we went to a 2-year-old birthday party. Later, the birthday girl's mom posted pictures of the event, and even now, I cannot look at them. Because this was the day my first miscarriage started. I was half-expecting it - the ultrasound scan did not show anything but the fetal pole on my 7th week - but still the spotting came as a horrible blow.
On this party, the birthday girl's mom asked the ladies present if they are planning to have a second child. Well, it's been almost two years. Every single fucking woman from that party is either pregnant of have had a second baby recently. Every fucking one.
Except me.
And I seriously need to go offline. Hate is not healthy and not productive, but sometimes it's the only thing I feel. And yes, I hate myself for being like this, too.

Hypochondria

Somewhere around this time three years ago I experienced my first anxiety attacks. First, I didn't realize what it was. I thought this was somehow a breastfeeding-related issue - I was drastically cutting down on breastfeeding, my breasts were sore, and I remember trying to explain a startled lactation coordinator this horrible feeling of a black cloud suffocating me. Few factors collided to become a trigger for my anxiety - my own health history, my friend's horrible diagnosis, and probably the partial weaning and the following hormonal shitstorm did not help matters as well. Since then, I've became a hypochondriac. I regularly feel symptoms, get scared, go to the doctor, receive simple explanation, breath out, symptoms vanish. I get a few weeks break. And then it starts again. And of course this next time I am completely sure that something is terribly wrong with me.
The recurrent pregnancy loss does not help matters. After three miscarriages, it became obvious that the idea of trying anew creates a new trigger for me. In September, before we were given a go-ahead, I had all kinds of psychosomatic issues - suddenly, my neck hurt, I'd have trouble emptying my bladder, my breasts hurt, etc. It felt like my body was protesting against whatever torture was ahead. In some way, my body was right - I did end up with another chemical pregnancy in October.
So now I started a new cycle and will be trying again soon, and of course my hypochondria is out, surprisingly not in full force, but still it's here and it's loud. Somehow successful pregnancy seems like a cure from it, but I know this is not the case. Rather, it would probably give my anxieties a new focus. Oh well.

Breathe

Today was one of those days... everything was seemingly fine, but I had to remind myself to breathe. Breathe, breathe, just try to get through it. No miracles, just you and your body. Please breathe.
Other random stuff:
1. Somewhere on the net there was a discussion of how do women announce their pregnancies, and it just broke my heart again. Just imagine the innocence of all these people, who assume their two lines would eventually lead to an actual baby. I so wish I still had it.
2. Another friend, whom I haven't seen in a loooong time, turned out to be expecting, due in a month. I must be developing a sixth sense where the pregnancies are concerned: I've seen her husband on a party in the beginning of October, and when I asked about her, he said that she was home sick. His smirk was somewhat incongruous, so I suspected she was not sick as in sick, but sick as in morning sickness sick. And it turns out I was right. Oh well.
3. We are a backup childcare support for another friend in case she has to have her baby earlier. The irony of it.
4. I am just not good in waiting. Now I wait until I recover from surgery completely, get my period, and start peeing on sticks and have baby-dance. Just doing something, anything, to get another chance.
5. I emailed the Dr. of a "crappy uterus" theory to update him on the surgery results. I asked him if any changes in my supplement protocol are in order. He never emailed me back. I realize he is busy but I cannot help but think he is just not interested, not having received any support for his original theory. And this is so disappointing - two of my friends recommended him as the best doctor they'd ever had. Guess I wasn't so lucky. Again.
Meanwhile, I am slowly reintroducing some of the supplements back again. However, I am not that keen anymore. Yesterday, I took konjak root (fiber), and now I finally know which one of my medications gave me the horrible gassiness all the way. This is one supplement I do not really want to take anymore.
I also Googled "supplements to improve egg quality". Some of these sound downright nasty, so I have to think which ones I am willing to tolerate, especially since there is no medical professional to guide me through the process.