Not crazy, just tired

Recently I started to wonder how do people, as they use to write in some novels, "cry themselves to sleep". Turns out I cannot do this (this and having a second baby, apparently). I cry while lying down, my nose gets all stuffy, which makes it impossible to breathe... so I don't get any sleep for a long, long while.

Since our second cycle since my surgery did not give us any positive result, my Dr. of "crappy uterus" theory suggested to try Lethrozole, and I am having a scan tomorrow to ensure there are no cysts on my ovaries. A scan on my heaviest bleeding day, sounds like fun, right? But anyway, good luck to me, my ovaries make cysts too often for my taste. 

Also, next week I am seeing the Dr. himself to discuss stuff, and then I am seeing my RE to listen whatever she has to say, and to try not to burn any bridges (I mean, this woman DID NOT TO SHIT for me, and I had to request most of my tests, while she could have done them a year ago and save me some heartbreak... and of course she does not believe in basically any form of treatment I've been reading about - except IVF of course). I am also making an appointment with an acupuncturist, though I am scared shitless of what needles can do to me.

I thought the arrival of AF will leave me crazy - throwing the dishes and cutting my hands crazy. Nothing of the sort had happened. I am just tired and don't really want to come out of my room, or have dinner. Just want to be left alone for a while.

* * *

This night, I took out a test I took yesterday evening, and there it was, hours later, a faint second line. I know that these tests are useless after a certain amount of time, but despite all reason, my stupid heart soared. I did not even notice how hope crept in. It stayed there even despite a negative morning test - until noon, when the cramping started and my AF arrived.  

I do not know how people do it. How do they live, day after day, cycle after cycle. How do they deal with all this - pain, despair, hopelessness, disappointment. I certainly cannot. If I did not have a kid already, I would have gone and done crazy things - and now I just cry. A glass of wine did not help, and I cannot have more just yet. My thoughts go round and round in circles: what if there's not ovarian reserve left anymore? What if my fall pregnancy (and Halloween miscarriage) was my last, my very last chance? What if there's no point of even trying anymore? This Sunday I am going to do a FSH test (they did AMH last year and did not do this one, but now I requested it), and then I guess I'll have to see my RE and talk to her. Except she does not talk to me, not really. She lectures (in person) and she yells (in emails). And our insurance does not give me much choice.

Two years. We had been at it two years next month, and it fucking hurts nonstop.