The longest day of the year

I spent it checking my email every few minutes, awaiting the results of the ultrasound I had on Sunday to check the state of my ovaries after the botched attempt at Femara/Lethrozole. I haven't received any calls or emails, and I am exhausted from the whole imagination overdrive this is causing me.
Also, these past 3 days I have been: 1) drinking, 2) eating medium-cooked meat, 3) eating sushi. All during the two week wait. I think what this fifth miscarriage did to me was taking away hope - and thus maybe freeing us to go along with our lives. First small things, like drinking alcohol and planning vacations. Maybe bigger things will follow.
We are not completely done yet, though. We still plan on having a few phone consultations and seeing what we could do with our limited budget and travel opportunities. However, I have to get myself out of this limbo, which swallowed two years of our lives already. I have to. I don't know how, but I have to.

And here is the TWW again

So, I am in the middle of another TWW, and I am slowly going crazy. Last time there were lots of distractions to take my mind off things, but now there are none - and predictably enough I've been having it all. Seriously. Back pain, pulling sensations in lower abdomen, breast pains and fullness... until it all just stopped today, and I am, of course, freaking out because it stopped. I already had my share of peeing on sticks, all negative, of course, and ordered a new bunch of Wondfo finest. I talked my RE into checking my 7dpo progesterone levels, and they came out surprisingly good - even "great", as my RE said in her email, which is very uncharacteristic of her (she's of doom and gloom, remember). 

I also had a talk with a friend, who, at 44, decided to give her kid a sibling and went for fertility check-up before starting in earnest. Her AMH is almost the same as mine, so it looks like I've got my Best Fertility Friend (or maybe not). Her Dr. did not check FSH, just prescribed her some Clomid and wished best of luck. I am sooo going to make an appointment with her Dr. and have a third opinion, just because.

The business with Best Fertility Friend is very confusing, still. First, it's not that easy for me to share too much personal information (blogging is different, isn't it?). Second, it's a precarious position to find yourself once one of BFFs gets pregnant... I personally am not sure I would be able to maintain contact if she gets pregnant and I don't. It's just too hard, and when we were talking and discussing AMH, Clomid, CoQ10 and such, I couldn't help but see it, this writing on the wall. Oh well. Please, please, dear Universe, let me have another baby, and let her have another one, too - so we can continue being friends. I've lost too many friends to this RPL shit already.

Two weeks

So, the dreaded TWW is coming to an end. It's different this time around. I no longer pee on the sticks obsessively on a pretense of "getting to know earlier so I'd get treatment sooner". I admit, I did one test on Saturday (why? search me), and it was negative, of course. And then I waited. And waited. And waited. Then I didn't want to spoil the family celebration we were having this week. Then I didn't want to do it on April 1st (no fooling around this one). It's like I don't even want to know. Not knowing makes me hope that there might be a chance for me. Knowing might take this hope away.