Immunology testing and other stuff

So I did the tests recommended by Dr. C. His clinic is huge, fancy, and totally faceless. I did not like it one bit, despite chocolates with his logo and fancy teas. The girl who was taking my blood samples had shaking hands, and looked decidedly uncomfortable and completely inefficient. Anyway, the results are in, and - surprise - my immunology results are totally normal. No elevated Natural Killer cells, nothing. The accompanying note said that based on these results, Dr. C recommends IVF. No surprise here: that's what they were pushing from the very beginning.
Now, yesterday we received a thick envelope with the financial information from this clinic. I went through it with a growing sense of dread and helplessness. There is NO WAY we could afford this. Just no way. Even if we felt comfortable enough with the idea of pumping me with drugs and risking another cyst or the same darling endometrioma growing... I don't know what to do now, I just don't.
I also started this "no gluten no dairy" regimen on Monday, and by today's evening, I felt thoroughly miserable. And hungry. What do these people on Paleo diet even eat? I cannot eat that much rice, I despise quinoa, I am not a huge meat-eater, I looove cheese and bread with everything basically. I don't feel full without it. So I caved in and ate some leftover pasta, with Parmesan to boot. I know you are not supposed to use food for comfort and solace, but what have I left? The atmosphere in our house is not a happy one currently.

Approaching a new clinic, and something about hope

Yesterday I emailed one of the local fertility centers which was mentioned somewhere as a good one to go for reproductive immunology issues. They have their first consultation free, which sounds just about right: we are in a tight money spot right now, and I would rather learn in advance what they can offer me, if anything. So I spent two days preparing my medical records and filling their extensive questionnaire, and getting more and more depressed by the minute.

What, realistically, anyone could probably offer me at this point? I honestly have no idea. I tried the anti-inflammatory protocol and failed. I tried Lethrozole and failed. Maybe some new twist on the first one could work. Maybe we could talk about the natural cycle IVF. Maybe it's just a matter of persistence and trying naturally, again and again. And hoping, hoping all the time.

Today, looking at the joyous faces and rainbow flags in the news, I remembered the famous Harvey Milk speech about hope. "You got to give them hope". At least someone didn't hope for nothing.

But me. Honestly, how do I even dare to hope. Me, with my 40th birthday just around the corner, with my shitty tests and 5 miscarriages, with first betas testing lower and lower every time? I know I need to stop obsessing about it, but when my Facebook feed brings new pregnancy announcements almost every day, I just can't. All those people getting their seconds, thirds, and fourths, but why not me? And my compilation of infertility blogs, which I made just few months ago, is full of happy reports, pregnancy complains, and ultrasound pictures. I am happy for everyone at these blogs, and I wish them all the best, I just want to be there myself as well. Hope is such a heavy burden.