No good news

So yes, the endometrioma is back, possibly gotten a push from Letrozole, and is just slightly smaller than it was before the surgery in February. Not only that, but my CA-125 is higher than it was before the surgery. I am not back to square one, I am back to ground zero. I just cannot win. Such a neat double whammy: no pregnancy, but a bunch of potentially dangerous cysts, that threaten the whole possibility of me ever getting pregnant again.

I realize that all this time, I've been waiting for a miracle. Like you know, deus ex machina, light saving the darkest hour, this kind of thing. But apparently the miracles do not apply to us anymore. We had our miracle 6 years ago, only we did not understand just how great and singular it was.

And of course I am angry. At the surgeon - did she do her job well? At Dr who prescribed Letrozole - how could he not take into account my history, being told about it repeatedly? He said "you're in a good place right now", and then proceeded to put me in a much shittier place. At myself - if I wasn't so impatient, I would not have taken Letrozole, and maybe I'd have had another shot at miracle. At my body, which is failing me again and again.

Surprise surprise

Morning: pregnancy test negative. Evening: I've got my period. Two days earlier. This is ridiculous. I am upset and furious. This never happened before: my luteal phase used to be pretty consistent. Damn the Letrozole cycle, damn the doctors, damn my stupid old body.

Ultrasound results

So the results are in, and they don't make much sense - except for the confirmation that yes, I do have cysts, and I also have some "free fluid with debris" flowing around down there. Ain't it just peachy - I know I am full of awesomeness. Moreover, somehow the radiologist decided to compare the results with the ones I had in December, before the surgery. So his/her sorry exercise looked like: um, yes, the lesions got smaller etc. What. The. Fuck. S/he didn't even measure their sizes, how about that? And then my hurried surgeon emailed me "good news, your cysts are smaller and we don't have to do a follow up". Excuse me? Haven't you, you know, cut the whole shit out?! My OB/GYN said that "um, the endometriosis always comes back, so the cysts just had rearranged themselves". My uneducated take was that it's a few leftover cysts from Letrozole which could still go away, but no one seems to really think about it. They think that yes, this is the same old endometriosis back so soon. Which is very weird. Does it really, as the radiologist implied, has roughly the same configuration as before? How could this be?! Did they just forget to cut it out, having better things to do while I was sleeping? I don't know what to think, I am just pissed off and depressed even more.